You called me out upon the waters, the great unknown where feet may fail.
We found out that we were pregnant one Saturday in April. Tim's face lit up when I came out of the bathroom with a stick showing two pink lines.
We were so happy.
We told our parents.
We told our friends.
We made plans... We were going to be parents.
And there I find You in the mystery, in oceans deep my faith will stand.
Then at 9 weeks something went wrong. Our baby stopped growing, we were told, my body was not miscarrying on its own, they needed to avoid infection, they would give me medicine to help my body realize that it was time to let go. There is nothing we can do, they said. There is nothing we can do.
Your grace abounds in deepest waters, your sovereign hand will be my guide where feet may fail and fear surrounds me, You never failed and You won't start now.
I sat in the tub full of water so hot I thought it would peel my flesh, but oddly enough it was the only thing that calmed the pain of my insides tearing, detaching, burning my hips like I never thought possible.
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet would ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.
I sat there for what seemed like ages, my mom and my aunt on Skype talking me through the pain, praying over me, Tim holding my hand, mine squishing his. By midnight it was mostly over, I closed my eyes and the next time I opened them it was morning.
I have never in my life felt so empty, so heartbroken, so sore, so sad I could not speak until that evening when I sat next to Tim and I told him "You have to talk me back into believing. You have to remind me why He is good, you have to because I cannot remember, I cannot feel Him, this pain is too great, this pain is all I know. Why doesn't He care? How can He not see? I am done!".
Tim said: "Tell Him. Tell Him because I know that He sees you, I know that this is not the end, but tell Him nonetheless, tell Him that you are ready to quit, tell Him because He is here!"
So I did. I told God that I had no idea where He was, I told him I did not understand a love that would let me see my own child slip through my fingers, I told Him about the emptiness in my soul, and in the most defiant moment of my life I told Him that I had lived without Him, and that I was ready to do it again.
Then Tim prayed for me for a long while as I wept, and when he was done he said: "We lost our baby and it is awful, but remember that God gave up His son, He gave up His baby for us." And in a moment of clarity, the pain made way to love and it all came back to me. I understood then that my God knew my pain better than anyone, I understood that He grieved and hurt for me, that He and only He could make this right, in His time, in His way, in His vast wisdom.
That night I understood what it is like to find freedom in His will. That night I chose Him again, but make no mistake, I am aware that I was so close to walking away that I scare myself just thinking back on it. What I am about to say may not be sound theology, but it proves a point so roll with me on this one. Remember that Harry Potter movie where Harry tells Sirius Black that he is scared that he is becoming bad? Sirius responds: "You're not a bad person. You're a very good person who bad things have happened to. Besides, the world isn't spilt into good people and Death Eaters. We've all got light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are."
I made a choice. I chose to follow Jesus in the known and the unknown, wherever He calls me. I chose to act on faith. That's who I really am.
So I will call upon Your name, and keep my eyes above the waves, when oceans rise my soul will rest in your embrace, for I am Yours and You are mine.
P.S. Tim and I chose today, our anniversary, to post this because the commitment that we made to one another is a reflection of the commitment we made to the Lord. A covenant that will not be broken.
P.P.S. The lyrics in italic are from the one song I listened to over and over through all this, Oceans by Hillsong United.
P.P.P.S. In an effort to make me feel better my doctor told me that miscarriages happen very often but "women talk about their babies, not their miscarriages." I want you to know that it is okay to talk about it if you want. But most of all I want you to know that even in that vast pain, you are loved.