Daily I question my motives for the things I do as a way to self examine my heart. Why do I want the things I want, why do I react the way I do, are my choices honoring my God.
I have found this 'exercise' very freeing in the sense that I am not choosing to live for myself or to please myself, but rather to give glory to God in the things I do, the things I say, the way I interact with others.
I knew from the beginning that such an undertaking would require a lot of support and accountability that has come in the form of my husband. He is my biggest cheerleader and he has spared no words to tell me how proud he is of me and how much he loves me. At the same time this undertaking has opened an avenue for him to share with me more in detail his walk with the Lord.
All good things. But that's not what this post is about.
What I want to say is that I have a comparison problem. I had no idea this was the case until I started self examining. Comparing myself to others, measuring myself against someone else led me to believe that I am not enough, that I don't have enough, and very quickly had me believing that God is not fair enough with me. I got off track. Already, I know, it sure doesn't seem like I am very good at this.
But here is where Tim comes in again. As much as he is here to cheer me on he is here to lead me, and a good leader is able to rebuke in love. When I brought up my feelings to him he said: "No, we don't do that in this house. We are happy with how we've been blessed, who we are in God, and with what we've been provided." And in one sentence he reminded me of two things. First, that we are in this together. His choice of words tells me that he feels that my success is his success, my accomplishments are his accomplishments, my triumphs are every bit his as they are mine. He understands and I am not alone. Second, he reminded me that we are enough and we have enough, and because of that we are thankful because we are living the life of the Spirit. In other words we are not living our way but God's way.
And with that I'm back on track.
New realization: Wanting the Father in my life means actively and daily making choices that will glorify Him and lead me away from me and closer to Him, but in this process I will fail as many times as I will succeed because I am human and I am flawed. This time was comparison, next time it will be something else. The key is to conquer it and move on, to get back on track, to not give up.
It's a daily battle. Some days are better than others. It's a choice.
I will leave you with a passage from Galatians that keeps drawing me back:
"Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives. That means that we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an ORIGINAL." - Galatians 5:25-26 The Message